Prayer | Emma Tanner

In it for the Long Haul

by Emma Tanner

Image made by the icon that is my younger daughter in 2021, for reasons best known to herself

This last couple of weeks have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. In fact, the whole year has. Actually, who am I kidding? I’ve been on this blinking ride since the birth of the Princess Project in 2011 and I keep waiting for it to slow down, but it hasn’t yet.

Recent challenges include two major funding applications being rejected, a replication partner pulling out at the last minute, as well as some pretty chunky spiritual and relational battles being fought on the side-lines along the way.

But, as is so often the way, during all of this I have heard the still small voice of God. The whisper. The reading words in the Bible that seem to have been written just for you, in the season you find yourself. Things that happen at just the right time to reinforce what God seems to be saying. Lots of that.

And what God seems to be saying is “Go deep, not wide.”

Let me rewind and unpack that a little.

We recently took some time as both a staff team and a trustee board to think about our strengths and weaknesses as an organisation and one of the things we all kept coming back to was that relationships were fundamental to everything we do. Prioritising our relationship with Jesus, being led and guided by him and keeping him at the centre of everything that we do, sets us apart. Forming meaningful, long-term relationships with our mums, but also within our team, and with our partners- this is something we do well.

We had previously had lofty aspirations of the Princess Project becoming a national organisation, a recognised name, rolling out what we’re doing all across the country. And who knows, maybe God will use us in that way in the future. But right now- I get the sense that he’s asking us to prioritise strengthening what we already have, and reminding us of the Kingdom value and importance of that.

As a small, independent charity we might have our struggles (financial security is overrated, said no-one, ever), but we also have the freedom and flexibility to do things our way, and to adapt and change rapidly (this stood us in great stead during covid). So many other organisations, and definitely our colleagues in the statutory sector, are time-limited in their interventions- 6 weeks here, a few months there, a project that is grant-funded for a year and then has to stop. Our funding strategy of seeking God, trying our best to walk where he wants us to walk and trust that he will provide the finance to do that has meant that we always have what we need, when we need it, and can run programmes and maintain relationships without a time limitation. (I do have a ‘proper’ funding strategy as well, honest, because we know that God can work through grant applications and fundraising events and all the other things we do to keep the wheels turning- but we know and acknowledge that the source of all that is God, not us!)

Standing alongside hurting people long-term is a messy privilege. Although we pray for miracles, serious, long-term mental health conditions and generational trauma are usually not sorted overnight. Healing and transformation can be gradual, often one step forwards and two steps back, fraught with challenge, disappointment, pain and rejection. It can be incredibly costly. And that has weighed quite heavily on our team recently.

I am a reformed (reforming?!) conflict avoider, but God has taught me over the years that walking through conflict, not running from it, is incredibly important for building relationships. Relationships with the mums we support, with partners we may not agree with, with members of our team. Fighting for a seat at a table that I’m terrified to sit at, not because I want to be there or think I deserve to be, but because I know that those we represent- marginalised because of their gender, age, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, whatever it may be- deserve a voice at it. I have learned not to avoid these things- but again, they take their toll. Sometimes I think my calling is just to be a pain in the backside to as many people as possible in order to bring about change. Not really something to put on the CV…!

These days I spend most of the time in an office or in meetings, applying for funding, networking (eeeeewww), building relationships with partners, leading the team, problem-solving, trying to see the big picture and keep us walking where God is leading. I don’t see the mums we support very often; I’m not the one running the busy Hubs, multitasking, sorting out the accident forms and the Totcycle appointments, watching the first steps, being there with the kind word and the hug, crying with mums, praying with them. Much as that used to drain my introvert batteries, I miss it.

Then those doubting voices start to creep in. What are we doing? Is it all worth it? Are we really making a difference? You are totally out of your depth! You aren’t doing a good job! You’re a fraud!

Yada yada.

This has been a recurring theme of my reluctant leadership journey and most of the time I can dismiss those voices, recognise them for the distortions they are. But sometimes, when things are particularly challenging, it can be hard.

And God knows that.

This weekend we had a stall at the Park Wood Fete. Park Wood was the first area we started working in, starting a Mums’ Drop-In in 2012 (the prelude to the Hub!) and Totcycle as a monthly pop-up event in 2013, before opening the Hub and Totcycle in its current format in 2020. Back in the early days it was a small team, all of us volunteers, and I got to know the families pretty well. Things have sinced moved on- children who were toddlers are now teenagers, my role has changed, how we deliver our services has changed- but the relationships remain. Face after friendly, not-seen-for-years face walked past our stall, and as I shared hugs and caught up with years’ worth of news and gawped at 6 foot tall boys who I used to offer to hold whilst their mums picked out some new clothes for them at Totcycle- I was in awe at the goodness of God, at his faithfulness, at his kindness for giving me the encouragement and reassurance that he knew I needed- that what we are doing, however imperfectly, is real, and has stood the test of time.

First Park Wood Totcycle in 2013 (saw the ‘baby’ in the pushchair again on Saturday!); Park Wood Fete 2015; Park Wood Fete 2025

But that wasn’t the only encouragement that God gave our team this week.

A mum popped into one of our Hubs who we hadn’t seen for several years- but during that time one of our team has been faithfully keeping in contact with her, messaging her, asking about her life, her wellbeing, her children, praying for her. She is in between jobs at the moment and so took the opportunity to return to the place where she felt welcomed, accepted, seen, known, for a cuppa, a hug and a catch up. Part of our family.

Another of our team bumped into a mum we used to support, and pray for regularly, who has walked a horrendous journey and come out the other side. She gave God the glory for bringing her through and said that she was standing there thanks to the power of prayer.

I caught up with one of our community support workers yesterday who had just heard from a mum she had been walking alongside for some time, as she journeyed through the court system. She was very upbeat as the final hearing had gone in her favour.

“You’ve been praying for me for 5 years- I know that’s what’s made the difference! I’m going to go to church now!” she said.

By now I had got to the point where happy tears outnumbered unhappy ones (tears just come with the turf!)

What God has shown me afresh this week is the importance of relationships, especially those that have been forged in the fire over years of walking together through adversity. Many of the mums we support have not experienced love and friendship that not just survives conflict and rejection but is strengthened by it. Our aim at the Princess Project is to model (albeit in our imperfect human way) the unconditional love that Jesus has for each one of us. He will never leave or forsake us, no matter how far we go, what we do, or how inadequate we might feel. Our prayer is that as we stand alongside families for years (over 10 years in some cases!), our mums would come to realise just how precious they are in God’s sight; that their lives have value, and purpose, and meaning.

He has also reminded me about the power of prayer. The Bible urges us to pray persistently; it is such an incredible encouragement that we are now starting to see answers to prayers that were first prayed years ago. It is mind-blowing that God includes us in his plans and purposes- he could do what he wants to do in the lives of our mums without us, but he chooses to use us, with all our frailties and weaknesses, to help build his kingdom. I love that our mums are starting to acknowledge the power of God and to recognise his hand at work in their lives- that’s what it’s all about.

These kinds of relationships, these answers to prayer, these lives changed by the power of the Holy Spirit over months or years- these are almost impossible to quantify. I can’t evidence them in an impact report for a funder, or a snappy Canva infographic. But they are the most important part of what we do and our team is committed to partnering with God as he challenges us to go deeper. Will you join us?

If you’d like to partner with us financially or join our team, visit our website www.princessproject.co.uk for more information.

Princess Project The Journey

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Surviving Big Church Festival: Overcoming Anxiety, Physical Limitations, and Social Challenges

by Emma Tanner

I have just about recovered from what was an absolutely amazing weekend at Big Church Festival with the Princess Project. What a fantastic opportunity to meet and speak to Christians from churches all across the UK about what we’re doing and how they might be able to partner with us. It is a truly remarkable event – such a chilled, happy, family vibe, with 30,000 people coming together to worship Jesus and have fun (I wondered what the security guards made of it… Surely not the usual stuff they see at festivals…!)

But for full disclosure I thought I would share a bit about the challenges this event posed for me (because otherwise we all think everyone else’s lives are idyllic, right?!)

First of all, I was pretty anxious about the logistics. Putting up our beautiful new stand for the first time (big thanks to Souter Charitable Trust for the grant funding that paid for it and to the fab team at Bison Print in Maidstone for making our dreams a reality), knowing where to go, putting up the tent, working out the timings (there were only 2 of us and the stand needed to be manned 9.30am-8pm), getting the car out of the muddy field it was parked in…. These things all preyed quite heavily on my mind.

Then there were my physical limitations. I have osteoarthritis in my feet and inflammatory arthritis pretty much everywhere and (of course) a few days beforehand things had flared up a bit so I was in quite a lot of pain. I really didn’t know how I would cope with camping, lifting heavy stuff, and standing for 3 days.

Finally, as an introvert, talking to strangers for 10 hours a day is pretty much my worst thing to do ever (even about something I’m as passionate about as the work we do at the Princess Project).

But (spoiler alert) I survived- and on balance had a fantastic time.

An amazing team of prayer warriors had been on the case before and during the event, praying that God’s will would be done for PP, and for my physical wellbeing as well. And I really saw a pretty miraculous answer to prayer. My joints settled down and behaved themselves, and didn’t even have a tantrum when forced to stand in wellies in the mud for prolonged periods. I was actually in less pain than I am on an average day. God is good!

By Sunday evening though I was absolutely at the end of myself. My dear friend (and PP trustee) Joy, who was a total rock all weekend, had to put up with the grumpy results of what happens when a tired, hungry introvert who has had to socialise and talk and be enthusiastic for 3 days straight has to pack down a display stand for the first time in a muddy marquee (reader, it was so boggy we found AN ACTUAL TOAD on our stand when we packed away…!)

I threw everything into the boot (packing the car, especially when we go camping, is very definitely a blue job in our house and I tried not to think what Mr T would say when he saw the messy, muddy carnage), said goodbye to Joy and rather hysterically prayed my way out of the field (my state of mind wasn’t helped by the van parked behind me getting stuck in the mud.)

As I got nearer and nearer home, my spirits were gradually revived by the winning combination of prayer, tears, a rucksack full of snacks, and Queen Taylor on Spotify. As I pulled into the drive, the door opened and, despite the late hour, there stood Mr T and small munchkin who had been tracking me on Life 360 and knew I’d need a hug.

After a restorative night’s sleep I woke up to find that my wonderful husband had unpacked the car (keeping any judgement to himself!) and I was able to sit in blissful silence with a cup of coffee and reflect on how thankful I am for people- friends, family, even strangers- who partner with us, and how we can make up for each others’ weaknesses and infirmities and how much better we are together. And also how grateful I am for inside toilets and showers and a roof.

The goodness and faithfulness of God never ceases to amaze me. I know that my physical and emotional limitations force me to rely on him rather than to drift into the dangerous waters of thinking I’ve got it all together. My own resources may be limited but God’s are not- if we rely on him, he promises to equip us with what we need, every day. Now that really is worth celebrating.

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

‭2 Corinthians 12:7-10 MSG‬

Princess Project The Journey

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Soul food

by Emma Tanner

As countless others have observed, we all find ourselves in a strange season at the moment. For most of us this has involved change. For some, this has meant an enforced slowing of pace, though furlough or unemployment. For those of us fortunate enough to still be working, though, work is often busier (and more intense) than ever. My work definitely falls into this category.

I have found it increasingly difficult to keep my work/home boundaries precise- they have a tendency to become distinctly blurry. I find myself working more hours and longer days.

It feels like God has been prodding me about that recently. My colleague Beth and I had a meeting with our Cinnamon mentor this week. On hearing how busy we were, how we had new developments on several fronts, new opportunities, more and more referrals, he ever-so-gently reminded us of the importance of making sure we had enough capacity for all of it; to look after ourselves and manage our time sensibly, to avoid burning out. At our staff meeting this week, I took the opportunity to remind the team of the importance of not routinely working loads of extra hours, of taking time back in lieu, and taking holiday.

Even as I said it, I thought about the kind of example I was setting by doing exactly what I was saying not to do. Ouch… I was reminded of Alice in Wonderland’s famous words:

“That’s just the trouble with me, I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

How can I ask my team to do something, and then not do it myself?! Effective leadership, wherever we do it- parenting, in the workplace, at church- is always less about talking and more about modelling.

We are in the middle of 21 days of prayer and fasting at church. On our Sunday morning Zoom call we heard wise words from several people about the importance of finding God in the everyday moments, and having an attitude of prayer. This was another timely reminder for me. We don’t need to create an artificial secular/sacred divide. God made us. Our wonderfully unique personalities are not an accident. Our souls are not separate from our bodies. We are one whole, messy entity. The great news about a relational God who loves to spend time with us is that it doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing, He can still hear us, and speak to us. So it is totally fine to spend time with God doing what recharges your batteries; what fills your emotional tank and feeds your soul.

I realised I needed to put into practice what I was preaching, and take back some of those extra hours I had been working (as a small charity we can’t afford to pay overtime, so encourage our team to take back extra hours worked as time off in lieu). The to-do list will never be clear. There is never an ideal time to take time off. But it is vital (and no-one is indispensible, despite what our egos may tell us). So I booked today off.

After half an hour clearing essential emails and making sure all was relatively quiet on the Western front (baby steps and all!) I drove to beautiful Tankerton. I walked 5.5km to Herne Bay, with my headphones on, listening to worship music, and letting truths about God wash over me. As is so often the case with a playlist on shuffle, I end up hearing just what I need to hear. For the first half an hour, I just listened to Goodness of God on repeat.

I didn’t even really consciously pray. I gave the morning to God, and breathed the sea air, and walked in His presence; I took pictures of cute beach huts and little scurrying birds, and watched toddlers wobble on bikes and dogs bound exuberantly off their leads. It was joyous.

When I got to Herne Bay I ate sausage and chips on the beach, closely eyeballed by several large seagulls. I didn’t feel in the least bit guilty, because did I mention I just walked 5.5km. (I don’t really understand the calorie exchange but pretty sure that’s enough to cancel it our, right?!)

There were fewer people around on the way back, so I felt able to sing my praises into the wind. Sometimes on a day like this, I get some clarity about a particular issue, a revelation, a new idea; it can feel like God is downloading stuff into my brain. It wasn’t like that today. Our daddy God knows what we need. Today, He knew I just needed to be in His presence, to remind myself who He was, and who I am- a daughter of the King.

I was only gone for about 4 and a half hours, but I know that that relatively small time investment will pay dividends over the coming days and weeks. Working, serving and loving from a place of Holy Spirit fullness is so much better for us than running on empty. I hope that by sharing this today, it will be the affirmation that someone else needs to refuel- whatever that looks like for them.

The Journey

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Thought for the Day: Of Politics and Prayer

by Emma Tanner

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As a self-confessed politics geek, I’ve been in my element this week. I love it all- the debate, going to cast my vote, being able to have my say, feeling like I’m part of something bigger; even staying up all night to watch the drama unfold on election night. During this election it’s been great seeing so many younger people engage with politics for the first time. My daughters are of an age now when they understand more about what’s going on- even if being able to vote themselves is still quite a few years off- and talking to them about the political process and fanning the spark of their interest has been an added bonus this time around. I think my husband is concerned that before too long he will have three opinionated feminist socialists on his hands instead of one….!

There is a downside to it all though, even a dark side. We human beings are not always very good at disagreeing well. Impassioned differences of opinion can turn into arguments and personal attacks, which can cause rifts in relationships. Elements of the media have been vitriolic in their treatment of various politicians, who have also been subject to horrendous online abuse and trolling.

But this isn’t just about those with a public platform- we all have a part to play. We can disagree with those in authority, whether in government or opposition, whilst still respecting their humanity and treating them with grace and compassion. We can hold different opinions to our friends, family, colleagues and strangers without casting aspersions on their intelligence, motivations or understanding, and without making unkind personal comments. We can listen to each other. We can listen to God.

In the Bible, both Paul and Peter remind us about the importance of praying for each other, and our leaders. Paul writes in 1 Timothy 1:3

“The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray especially for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can go quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Saviour God wants us to live.”

It’s worth pointing out that the ruler in Paul and Peter’s day was the Emperor Nero, who murdered his mother and both his wives and persecuted Christians… yet they still urged the followers of Jesus to pray for him! When we pray for people, whether they are those in authority over us, or our friends, or family, or even (as Jesus commanded) our enemies, we start to see them in a different light. We start to see them as God sees them. We are reminded that they are all made in the image of God.

So whether you voted for her or not, perhaps, if you are the praying sort, you could commit to taking some time this week to pray for Theresa May as she seeks to form a government, and for politicians of all colours as they find a new equilibrium and a way forward. Healing our divided nation may seem at times like an uphill task- but it’s good to remember that all things are possible with God.

Originally broadcast on BBC Radio Kent Sunday Breakfast 11/6/17

Big Issues Thought for the Day

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Little Miracles

by Emma Tanner

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Sometimes, it’s the small things that speak the loudest. (In the case of my 7 year old that’s definitely true, but that’s not what I’m talking about today!)

An encouraging text message from a friend, telling you they’re thinking of you.

A hug at just the right time.

An unexpected present.

Getting home late from work to find that your husband has made you dinner.

As Axa Insurance put it in their irritatingly catchy advert “Little things mean a lot.”

In my experience, the same is frequently true in our relationship with God. He is the creator of the universe, he flung stars into space, he has billions of people to concern himself with, but he really cares about the minutiae of our day-to-day lives. And that is what I find totally mind-blowing.

I shouldn’t be surprised- the gospel accounts of the life of Jesus, who showed us in person just what God is like, show that he always concerned himself with the individual. Things that mattered to the people he loved and came to save mattered to him. He cared when they were about to run out of wine at a wedding (social death!) and intervened to fix it. He frequently interrupted his plans- usually with large crowds in tow- to answer an individual cry for help and healing.

The same is still true today.

When our family moved to a new church at the beginning of this year, I prayed for my big girl, who doesn’t like change, or big groups, or meeting new people. We had tears of anxiety beforehand from her, and soul searching from my husband and me. Were we doing the right thing? Had we got it wrong? Please, Lord, look after my girl and give her peace; help it to be a positive experience.

The first thing that happened when we arrived at the venue was doughnuts. That put a smile on her face. Then she was welcomed by name and told in advance where she would be going and what would be happening. That allayed her anxiety. Then later on when she went into her group, there was another girl of a similar age who loved horses and riding. BOOM! (as she would say). Jobs a good’un.

I could not have planned a more fortuitous set of circumstances myself, and I like to think I know her pretty well. But her Daddy God, who made her, and loves her even more than I do, knows even better what she needs.

I could give countless examples like that.

Often these little things aren’t even external, but internal; incremental changes that are happening within me and those around me. Watching a good friend take her first steps of faith, and blossoming into the woman she was created to be as she discovers her real identity and purpose. Gradually being set free from negative patterns of thinking and low self esteem as God lovingly heals the hurts of the past and reveals to me the wonderful potential of the future.

This is how I know that God is real. He is not distant, only concerned with the major issues of the day. In Jesus he is also our friend, our Saviour, with us in every situation and circumstance, should we invite him to be. We can know him personally, and see him at work in our day-to-day lives. He can, and still does, do the big miracles- as the angel reminds us at the very beginning of Luke’s account of the Christmas story

“Nothing is impossible with God.”

Luke 1:37

But it’s the little miracles that speak to me more; that remind me that eternal, almighty God is a loving Father who cares deeply about the individual needs of his children.

The Journey Uncategorized

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Incredible Journey

by Emma Tanner

Today is a big day for me. After nearly 14 years working as a veterinary surgeon, it’s my last day for the foreseeable future in clinical practice. In a few weeks, after some eagerly anticipated family time, both my husband Graham and I start new jobs, in what is a completely new season for our family. I’m going to be working for the Princess Project, swapping dogs and cats for mums and babies. So how did I get here? I was asked to speak at a Ladies’ breakfast last weekend, and I took the opportunity to look back over the last few years and reflect on exactly that. What God has been doing is simply incredible, and I am just thankful that I have been a part of it.

I had my first baby in 2005 (now a very grown up 9 ½- neither she nor my smaller munchkin who is nearly 7 can be called babies anymore!) At the time it struck me how hard it was despite all the support I was lucky enough to have- husband, family, friends, church, house, car. I was surprised even then how little support or preparation there was for parenthood from ‘the state’- and started to think that this was a gap the church community could be filling. State provision has only got less since then, with resources being stretched all the time. At the same time Graham and I were running a weekly activity evening at Trinity Foyer in Maidstone, accommodation for young people aged 16-24 who would otherwise be homeless. I got to know several girls who became pregnant – and discovered that they often had very little or no support once they’d moved out, and could therefore become very isolated.

I had the word ‘Princess’ given to me from a number of different sources. Then I heard the song ‘White Horse’, by Taylor Swift, whose lyrics include

“I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale, I’m not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell; this isn’t Hollywood, this is a small town, here in your rearview mirror disappearing now, and it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around….”

That same week I read a verse that seemed to provide the answers for the disillusioned girl in the song searching for her fairytale hero to sweep her off her feet:

“God is bedrock under my feet, The castle in which I live, My rescuing knight.”

2 Sam 22:2 (The Message).

I felt God was saying that these young mums, often judged, looked down on or just ignored by society at large, are so precious to him. They are his princesses, not in a Barbie sparkly sense but in the sense of being daughters of a heavenly King. I wanted to be able to demonstrate to them that they were loved, by God, and by his church. They often had no hope, no aspirations, no confidence, either as individuals or parents. I wanted to show them that they matter, and that in Jesus they can be whole and healed in every sense- that he is that fairytale hero we all search for.

In 2011 one of the Trinity Foyer project workers phoned me out of the blue wanting me to come and meet an 18 year old girl currently living in their move-on flats who had just found out she was pregnant and had no real peer or family support. This girl, and one other who I was already meeting regularly having met her when she lived at Trinity, were my two original ‘princesses’, and our relationship was the pilot for the Mum2Mum befriending service.

And it all started from there!

At the time, I did not feel at all equipped or confident to step out for God. The confidence I did have was not really rooted in God but in other things, especially my career. At the beginning of 2011 I joined a small veterinary practice in Maidstone (I had been working for a larger practice just outside Canterbury- the Maidstone job was a miraculous provision in itself, but that’s another story…!) I found myself in a practice full of laid back people and clients, the atmosphere less self-important and intense than that which I had been used to.

God began the process then of showing me that I can serve him wherever I may be, and that what I do does not define who I am; my identity is in him. My confidence had taken a massive knock at university- I went from being the top of my class at school, a member of the orchestra, in the swimming team, chair of the debating team- to spending 6 years at Cambridge University feeling totally out of my depth and inadequate. My identity had been so tied up with my achievements- I had always felt like people liked or approved of me because of what I did, the grades I got, not for who I am. I guess I thought that was how God saw it too. But over a period of months I started to realise, and believe, that God loves me for who I am, not what I do. I started to believe that I am one of his princesses too, and to become more and more confident in that identity.

At this point I was completely terrified about speaking in public- even speaking out at a meeting was way out of my comfort zone- I’d get home and wished I’d had the courage to say what I’d wanted to say. Even meeting new people, phoning people up, walking into a strange place were all things I found uncomfortable. But I knew that God had put this passion for mums on my heart, and that just seemed to take over. I came to the realisation one day that if I waited until I felt ready, until all my ducks were in a row, until I had the time, until circumstances were just so, then I would never do anything. And I really didn’t want to go through life without at least trying to find and walk in the purpose God had for me.

That was when I made what for me was a life-changing discovery- that when we step out of our comfort zone into the unknown, God will bless us, and equip us with exactly what we need. In 2011, my younger daughter started at preschool, giving me a few child-free, work-free hours a week to finally start putting some time into what had up to now only been a dream- the Princess Project. We officially launched the Princess Project at a Community Day at St Luke’s church in June 2011.

Banner at the 2011 launch

As a result of that I was invited to go along to a conference a month or so later at the Hazlitt Theatre about tackling teenage conception in Maidstone. I arrived at this event, just me and a few leaflets printed from my home PC, and felt completely out of my comfort zone. I forced myself to do that activity that struck fear into my heart- “networking”. I made myself walk up to people I’d never met (some of whom were blatantly wondering why I was there, as it was mostly professionals and everyone else had been paid to attend!) and introduce myself and explain about the project. I found the whole process acutely uncomfortable but came away with a real sense of achievement, and knew that it was the Holy Spirit who had enabled me to get through the day.

Since then God has gradually been setting me free from my fears and insecurities. I’ve had stands at other conferences since that first one, and felt a lot more at home!

Slightly more sophisticated display at a conference in 2012!

I’ve spoken at church services, been a seminar speaker at Detling Summer Conference, even been interviewed on Premier Radio’s Woman to Woman programme. Every time I do it I smile. Every time I stand up to speak and know that I haven’t had countless sleepless nights of terror leading up to it, I am struck by the miracle that God has brought about. It is his way of constantly reminding me that it’s in his strength that it’s all possible, not mine. God has been removing the barriers that were holding me back as I step out towards him, and he is now releasing me to be who I really am; who he has created me to be. I started from a position of saying ‘No, I can’t possibly do that’ to discovering that if I’m relying on God then- yes, I probably can! One verse that I have returned to time and again is Philippians 4:13:

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

Let’s not write ourselves off, and put a ceiling on what we think we’ll be able to do, or rule certain things out without trying them. God loves to show his strength by working through our weakness- we just need to be willing and obedient, and prepared to give things a try.

In 2 Timothy 1:7 Paul writes

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.”

I used to be crippled by that spirit of fear and timidity, but the Holy Spirit is gradually changing me from the inside out.

In May 2012 Graham and I went to the HTB leadership conference at the Royal Albert Hall. We were lucky enough to hear Rick Warren, Christine Caine and Judah Smith (amongst others). For me, the take-home, life-changing message was embarrassingly simple. These men and women of faith, who are quite literally changing the world with the work they are doing, all emphasised how essential it is to be spending time with God, every day. To be reading his word, listening for his voice, kneeling at his feet, growing in intimacy with him. It really impacted me that this was the ‘secret’ of their success. There are no shortcuts. If that is true for them (as it was for Jesus himself!) then how dare I think it was not just as essential for me? If I was too busy for that, then I was too busy, full stop. Since I have recommitted myself to that, my relationship with God has deepened immeasurably, and I find that when I am being filled up by the Holy Spirit I have plenty of energy for all he wants me to be doing.

Something that God has had to teach me repeatedly is patience, and the importance of trusting in His perfect timing. Quite early on I read a tweet from Christine Caine that I found really helpful:

“What satan can’t stop, he will often try to speed up. The timing of God is everything!”

Right from the off there has been the temptation to tear ahead at 1000 miles an hour; time and again God has slowed it down, closed doors, made me wait. The best example of this is my employment. Back in 2012, the trustees agreed that to take the organisation forward, I needed to be working for the Princess Project full time- we needed someone to be accountable, overseeing the day to day running of the organisation, managing the volunteer teams, as well as thinking about the strategic development of the charity. They agreed a salary based on comparable positions. The only thing was…. we didn’t have the money! We applied for various grants and were unsuccessful.

Then I realised that there was another factor in play. My husband needed to be 100% on board with the idea of me jettisoning a well-paid, professional role for a temporary contract with a small organisation with nowhere near enough regular income- and at that time, he wasn’t. I don’t blame him at all for that- a lot of people still think I’ve taken leave of my senses! He is hard-wired to be our provider, he is the one who always deals with our family finances, he is the sensible one who is always having to rein me in and keep my feet on the ground (we make a great team!) And the idea of leaving that stability behind was stressing him out quite a lot. I was in a bit of a quandary as I really felt like this was what God wanted me to do- but at the same time, I knew with absolute certainty that he would not want me to do anything that would cause conflict or difficulty in our marriage.

Praying with a friend, she told me she’d had an image of me swinging tarzan stylee through the jungle (apologies for that mental image)- and that I had to let go of one vine before grabbing the next. It felt like God was saying there had to be an element of trust- we couldn’t wait for it all to be in place before stepping out and letting go of our financial security. But she also said that my green light to go would be Graham’s blessing of the decision. Another good friend suggested that, like Gideon (see Judges 6), I lay down a fleece and asked for a sign. I asked God that when the time was right, Graham would be OK with it- not superficially OK to make me feel better, but really OK.

And God honoured that.

I kept quiet, didn’t go on about it (quite a feat- I’m a very good nagger!) and one day Graham came back from work and said “Well, if you’re serious about stopping at the vets I suppose I’d better do a spreadsheet and see how it’s all going to work!” Once spreadsheets had been mentioned, I knew he was on board. Just as I’d asked, it was my green light to go. In his own, unique, understated way he was giving me his blessing, and trusting God for our future- a real act of faith for him and I was, and continue to be, so very thankful for his support and belief in me, and the vision that I have for the Princess Project. He really is a faithful man of God and it is very much a shared journey that we are on. I was also so thankful to my Daddy God who had given me the clear sign I had prayed for.

We decided that one way or another I wouldn’t go back to work at the vets after a holiday we had planned for April. Since then, so much has happened. When we stepped out in faith not knowing where the money was coming from, suddenly it started coming in earnest. The Princess Project received £3000 in donations in the first 3 months of this year alone. In February the trustees decided that there was enough money to offer me a 6 month contract starting in April (and actually we now have nearly enough for another 6 months after that!) I start my paid role at the Princess Project on the 27^th April, and can’t wait to take things to the next level. I am also so excited at the prospect of bring able to work around my munchkins, not work at weekends, pick them up from school, look after them when they are sick. They, as well as Graham, have enthusiastically embraced the Princess Project, telling people about it, holding ‘tombolas’ at home to raise a few pennies, coming to events with me. It is very much a family enterprise, and if through this whole process they learn that nothing is impossible with God, to pursue their dreams wholeheartedly, and that some things are more important than money, I will be a very happy mummy.

I don’t know what the future holds- I am very excited about it though! Since I have handed in my notice at the vets, things have rather exploded at the Princess Project, with referrals for the Mum2Mum befriending service coming out of our ears, two Parentalk courses planned, and a new arrangement in place whereby we provide all the new mums accessing the Meadow Children’s Centre with a Princess gift basket. We have two more funding applications in the pipeline. One thing I know- God is graciously only revealing a small part of his plan at a time. If you had told me 5 years ago where I would be today I would simply not have believed it (and quite possibly run screaming for the hills).

I am forever grateful for the reminder that God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called. We don’t need to be super talented, or super spiritual, or extraordinary in any way. We just need to listen, trust and obey, and then God can use us in ways that surpass our wildest dreams.

Collecting at our local Sainsbury’s (we’re their charity of the year) with my big munchkin and our good friend and Princess Project volunteer Anne this Mother’s Day

Speaking at the Princess Project Butterfly Ball, October 2014

Princess Project The Journey

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An angel to watch over me

by Emma Tanner

guardian angel

What comes to mind when you hear the word angel? Cute chubby figures with wings decorating a Christmas tree? Something akin to a fairy, but with a halo- and just as mythological? Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about angels. I’m pretty certain there’s been some concerted angel-action in my family over the last month or so, so I’ve been delving into the Bible to see what it has to say on the topic.

The very day I was beginning to ponder this, my morning Bible reading happened to be Psalm 91, which contains these verses:

If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.

It always blows me away when God does that. Of all the verses in all the books in all the Bible, He directs me to just the right one…. (with apologies to Humphrey Bogart).

But let me backtrack a little and tell you why I started thinking about all this in the first place. My younger daughter is 5. A few weeks ago she was going through a spate of waking with nightmares. She was starting to get quite distressed when going to bed, as she was anxious about what the night would bring. The rest of the family prayed for her every night before she went to sleep, which seemed to settle her and allow her to drift off peacefully. We prayed that she would not be scared, that she would know that Jesus was right there with her when she slept, and was more powerful than any of the nasty, scary things she might dream about. We prayed for dreams filled with beautiful images. And we prayed that angels would watch over her as she slept.

One night a couple of weeks ago I woke to a very strange noise. I couldn’t quite place it, and was in that brain-addled state halfway between sleeping and waking when I saw a little figure standing in the doorway- again.

“Mummy,” said the figure, “Coco’s making a funny noise.”

Yes, I thought, that’s what I heard. My smaller munchkin has an interactive Chuggington train set in her bedroom, complete with talking trains. What I had heard was Coco saying “Chugger chugger, chugger chugger,” over and over again- very surreal!

I got up and took my little person’s hand and led her back into her bedroom. All was quiet again by this time. When I went to investigate, I found the offending train the right way up in the middle of the floor. It wasn’t touching anything that could have set it off. It hadn’t been played with or made any sort of sound for months. I tucked my munchkin back in, prayed with her, and went back to bed. She went straight back to sleep.

I lay in bed, a little freaked out by these strange nocturnal toy antics. I was praying for my girl, lying in bed, worried that this was an escalation of the nightmares and that it represented some sort of spiritual attack. Then I heard God’s still, small voice whisper

“Don’t worry- it was me!”

“What do you mean?!” I replied.

And then it dawned on me that He had answered our prayers, completely and awesomely. He had sent His angel to wake up my little girl before she could suffer from another of her nightmares. Angels were watching over her, just as we’d prayed. In the morning, she didn’t even remember that she had woken up at all. And she hasn’t had a nightmare since.

The following Sunday I was praying with a member of our church ministry team for and about my girls. She told me that as she was praying, she could see both of my girls with their own angel looking out for them and protecting them. At that point I hadn’t mentioned the episode I’ve just described.

In our cynical, all-knowing society, we don’t like things that we can’t explain. Or rather, things that do not have an empirical, rational explanation. I dare say that some people reading this post will not believe my interpretation of events, but prefer to put it down to a collection of random coincidences. They will be incredulous that someone with a scientific degree from Cambridge University would believe in God, let alone angels. But I do. And my world is richer for it. It means that I can be confident in the knowledge that the precious jewels of my life, my two daughters, are being looked out for by someone who loves them even more than I do. That’s the kind of God I believe in. One who flung stars into space, but can still take the time to reach down through time and space into a bedroom in Kent, and bring peace to a little girl’s sleep.

The Family The Journey

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Prayer is Pivotal (Part 2): Learning to Listen

by Emma Tanner

Aylesford Priory

I like to talk. I talk at work (I’m a vet, some of the time, and on a work day might spend up to 7 hours consulting- that’s a lot of talking). My daughters and I like to talk at home. I talk to my friends. I talk to my husband (whether he replies or not!) I talk to my cat. I even talk to the washing machine if it’s misbehaving, or to the meal I’m preparing. Some might say that at times I can be a little bit too fond of the sound of my own voice. Lately I have started to realise that this is often true of my prayer life, too. I’m so busy talking that sometimes God doesn’t get a look in. I so easily forget that prayer, like all conversations, is a two-way affair.

Listening is not something that comes as naturally to me. A communication skills module in a professional qualification I undertook a few years ago has helped me to make a conscious attempt to listen more, and practise reflective listening in a work setting. The parenting children course has taught me the benefit of using similar techniques at home. And recently I’ve been prompted to do more listening and less talking where God’s concerned, too. Carry on reading…

The Journey

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Prayer is Pivotal (Part 1): Lessons from #LC13

by Emma Tanner

I’m not usually one to spend hours on end staring at a computer screen, but this week I made an exception. Holy Trinity Brompton, the large central London church which is (amongst other things) home of the Alpha Course, held their annual Leadership Conference. Last year my husband and I were fortunate enough to attend in person; that not being possible this year I opted for the next best thing- watching the event from home as it was streamed live over the internet. I joined thousands of others from across the world who watched the event online, adding to the audience of 5,500 people from 86 nations and representing numerous Christian denominations who were actually there in the Royal Albert Hall. Carry on reading…

The Journey The Word

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It’s Good to Think: being a Godly Geek

by Emma Tanner

I have a confession to make- I’ve always been quite lazy when it comes to using my brain. I’m lucky in that I’ve always found it easy to learn, and when I was at school, if you were good at memorising facts and regurgitating them, you could do pretty well. (When I arrived at Cambridge University and they expected me to actually think for myself I very nearly came unstuck, but that’s a whole different blog post!)

One thing that God has been teaching me lately is that he wants to engage with all of me, brain included. I have always been quite embarrassed about being academically able (or a geek, swot, teacher’s pet, and a whole load of other less polite terms that I could mention but won’t- I’ve heard them all). For some reason intellectual prowess is definitely not as socially acceptable as excelling at sport, or music, or drama, or anything else. Recently, though, it seems as if God is releasing me from that embarrassment, and has been reassuring me that he made me this way. I can (and should) be using the gifts he has given me, unapologetically. Carry on reading…