Life has a habit of shifting the goal posts. Just when we think we’ve got stuff licked into shape, got into a good routine, got things under control, then everything changes again, for better or worse. These may be major life changes- a new birth, or a bereavement; changes in our health status; a new job or a redundancy; relationships beginning or ending- or, more insidiously (and inevitably) smaller, incremental changes- changes in season. I find myself in changing seasons in a few areas at the moment, and I confess that this has unsettled me a little. God has been using these changes to work on a few control issues that I wasn’t aware I had (a work in progress!)
Firstly, at home. My girls are now both at secondary school. They get there and back under their own steam. They both have friends I’ve never met. They don’t need me to do so much of the practical stuff for them anymore. Our relationship is evolving, but this isn’t a bad thing; I love sitting with them and putting the world to rights, having conversations that can range from politics to theology to ridiculous internet memes in the space of a few minutes. They are great company. I love seeing their personalities develop, watching them make decisions, helping them learn from their mistakes, laughing with them, crying with them. But I can’t control them any more (if indeed I ever could!) My elder daughter is 14 and I have to trust that as she takes the first steps towards independence, that she would make good choices. I can’t make them for her any more.
We run Care for the Family Parentalk courses at the Princess Project, and one quote from the course (from speaker and author Katharine Hill) really stuck with me:
In navigating the road to independence one of the most helpful pieces of advice I received was to ‘keep the children on elastic, not string’. If we hold them tight on a short bit of string it will pull taut and eventually snap. If, however, we keep them on elastic from the beginning we can gradually let it stretch, giving them more responsibility and more freedom appropriate to their age. This makes the journey to independence easier both for them and for us.
I need to learn to let go.
Secondly, at work. The Princess Project seems to be in a constant state of change, as God grows it and prunes it and takes it in all sorts of different directions. These are good, healthy, God-ordained changes, but they are changes none the less. Our team has grown (again!) Mary joined us at the beginning of the year, to help Beth run our Maidstone services, with the idea being that it would free me up to concentrate on our Mum2Mum replication work, and the governance-type stuff that by necessity always takes a back seat to real people with real and urgent problems that need addressing.
I knew it was the right thing do to, so when people asked if I was OK with being less hands-on and front-line I glibly said of course, totally fine. The reality was, as ever, slightly messier. I have experienced a range of emotions. I don’t know everyone anymore. There are mums and their kids who have visited one of our Hubs who I’ve never met. This is a very weird feeling. Beth and Mary started a Parentalk group on Monday morning, the first one that I haven’t been at, which was by all accounts a great success. I turned up late to the Gillingham Hub having been stuck in traffic, and arrived to a happy hubbub of noise and activity, all running perfectly fine without me being there.
I am simultaneously so proud of our amazing team that have risen to the challenge and are seamlessly stepping into leadership, excited at being able to work on the ‘big picture’ stuff, ready for a new challenge- and fighting the urge to check up on everyone and everything, interfere, and micromanage. The Princess Project is my baby- but, like my girls, it’s growing up- and I need to let it.
Holding on for too long- to our kids, to particular tasks or roles, to the way things have always been done, to the status quo- holds others back, as well as ourselves.
This need for control is hard-wired into us humans. We like to think we know best. One of the most counter-cultural teachings of Christianity is that we only truly find freedom when we surrender our lives to our Creator; when we acknowledge that He knows best, not us; when we can truly and honestly pray, as Jesus did in Gethsemane, “I want your will to be done, not mine.” In relinquishing control of our lives to God, we are admitting that He knows what we need better than we do- and most of us find that pretty hard. The good news is that when we do let go and let God take over, we are free to step into all He has prepared for us, into His perfect purpose for each of our lives.
So I am going to make a conscious effort, every day, to try to do a bit more letting go. To give my children space to grow and thrive and fly; to give my wonderful team the freedom to take the Princess Project forwards; to let God take control. I feel lighter already.
Let Go- Hillsong Young and Free
Emma Tanner 